Lately i've thought alot about my life if you can call it one. here is were i'm at. a unemployed twenty two year old living wih his parents who is barley getting by in college with a severe addictive personality.
the past three weeks i've been sober, not even had a beer, just cigarettes. that sounds pretty good but compared to the past two years give or take a few months i would get wasted. daily or nightly, whats the difference..there wasnt one.
at one point i had to withdrawl from my classes to avoid being kicked out. a small loophole that was seen through like a strippers plastic thong but it was by the book. a semester wasted for nothing other than getting fucked up. lets see..i was up to about a 20 dollar a day habit so, 140 a week, by 4, 560 a month, more than rent for a apartment.
i got with the wrong crowd quick..meth heads, ex-convicts, kleptos but to me in my state of my mind they were good ppl. walking a very thin line, having to worry about were a road block was depending on who i was with and where we were going. although alone i've gone through road blocks with pupils completely dilated without my license even being checked, that added a little extra high to my situation, doing whatever and getting away with it.
i finally quit, not from my own choice but i ended up in the ER & ICU for 5 days thanks to a deadly mixture of substances. i dont really remember going there and i dont want to think about cardiac arrest or my friend who works there taking her lunch breaks with me and crying explaining how even the doctor almost gave up on me pulling though.
i realized i've fucked my life up and i dont know if i can pull out of the funk im in. i probably have irreversible brain damage or killed thousands of brain cells. i remember when i was younger i was so bright and promising. even though my choice of clothing,outrageous piercings/dyed hair made alot of ppl weird and looked like just another common street freak i was ranked in the top of my class, not the main one but i was considered equals when it came to intellict by the people who would become validictorian & the ones who would go on to get full scholarships to preistigeous schools in the country.
i started hanging with the wrong crowd, you know the saying lay with the dogs and get up with fleas, bad habits rub off easily. i've broken my bad habits finally but socially it's like im worse than ever. im completely alone and i've quit making attempts to meet new ppl for a while. the highlight of my day is checking the new posts on here and seeing if any message are on my cell phone.
i don't really know the point im trying to make, telling all this, maybe just letting it out..it's hard keeping things bottled up when you have no one to talk to about how you feel and writing quit working a long time ago. i've not been able to even watch tv, ill see the screen but in my minds eyes image from the past flash like a strobe light from how bad of a person i've been to ppl and half way serious thoughts of finally just giving up completely and wondering if im really losing it.
quite a few ppl suggested maybe i should seek professional help if i cant handle things alone but anyone who knows me knows how stubborn i am, espically when it comes to opening up my emotions and letting things out. i gave thought for a few days if i should even talk about it here but i confide in the boards more than i do anyone i know personally and the couple of ppl i trust and look up to or whatever you wanna call it, i couldnt talk to them about this stuff.
i dont know...i guess things will work out.
venting (long post)
venting (long post)
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v328/trenchcoatskrilla/biohazard.gif[/img]
You'll find that many of us share the same story in all or part of how it happened to you. Many of us have had a 'headshot' and recovered from it - your ability to write and explain coherently tells me that you still got some brains left.
You are too young - you think you know it all - or are close. I am not being insulting - but I am saying you need to clear your head for the real stuff coming yet.
Its not about falling down - its about getting back up.
DNR
You are too young - you think you know it all - or are close. I am not being insulting - but I am saying you need to clear your head for the real stuff coming yet.
Its not about falling down - its about getting back up.
DNR
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He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in Darkness, and Light dwells with him.
He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in Darkness, and Light dwells with him.
I don't have the right to say who it is, but i know a close friend of mine here on the suck-o forums that had very similar experiences. I know that he can certainly relate to you. I can personally relate to how you're feeling now though - it's like some of your thoughts were taken right out of my mouth. Stay strong man, we've all been down and out before.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It works on my machine...
Re: venting (long post)
first of all pal, I'm sorry to hear your story, things in life get messy after all, and we all experience the bitter part of it. I personally did, maybe not as sever as yours but definitely it caused me some trouble in life, with family and friends.
why don't you seek professional help, as long as you were advised, and things in your life are the way the are, simply seeking a counselor, or some one professional might point out for you available resources, maybe a part time job, maybe figure out some thing that you don't know about yourself. After all your in the middle of the storm, you can't recognize what you're doing clearly.
nightkid wrote:quite a few ppl suggested maybe i should seek professional help if i cant handle things alone but anyone who knows me knows how stubborn i am, espically when it comes to opening up my emotions and letting things out. i gave thought for a few days if i should even talk about it here but i confide in the boards more than i do anyone i know personally and the couple of ppl i trust and look up to or whatever you wanna call it, i couldnt talk to them about this stuff.
i dont know...i guess things will work out.
why don't you seek professional help, as long as you were advised, and things in your life are the way the are, simply seeking a counselor, or some one professional might point out for you available resources, maybe a part time job, maybe figure out some thing that you don't know about yourself. After all your in the middle of the storm, you can't recognize what you're doing clearly.
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bad_brain
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I also went through really hard times when I was younger, having the insight that changes are needed in your life is always hard and it takes a lot of balls to do it. so: congrats man, you made a huge step into the right direction, actually it is the hardest step in the whole process..
for a while your brain will be occupied with thoughts about the past and with self-reproaches about what you all did wrong, but that's important because you will learn valuable lessons on how to do it better in the future.
but this phase will also end after a while and you can focus on the present again, finding new friends, new activities you enjoy (a little sports is always nice for example, it's also a great opportunity to meet new people...)
for a while your brain will be occupied with thoughts about the past and with self-reproaches about what you all did wrong, but that's important because you will learn valuable lessons on how to do it better in the future.
but this phase will also end after a while and you can focus on the present again, finding new friends, new activities you enjoy (a little sports is always nice for example, it's also a great opportunity to meet new people...)
