Poem

ilkjester · Post by **ilkjester** » 21 Nov 2009, 19:09

So my girlfriend went on to Peru with her grandmother as a gift for getting her masters degree. So I have been at the house all alone. She loves poetry so I had the ingenious idea to write her a poem. It is the second poem I have ever written so I was wondering what everyone thought. Criticize.

Your touch is like a thousand degrees.
It burns a hole in my heart.
I am not opposed.
I will give you my heart as a whole.
The hole allows my feelings
To seep
Feelings make me
Weep
Deep is the love I have for you
Baby just tell me if its true

Don't criticize to much lol.

Post by **lilrofl** » 21 Nov 2009, 20:02

I feel like I should write something here, as I also have a girl who is into poetry. I thought for a second I should send it to her for a learned opinion as matters of the heart can be confusing at times... don't worry, I thought better of it when I thought of how critical she has been of my efforts in the past =)

A few questions:

I am a little confused by the meaning. From your intro I was under the impression that you and your girl have a history together, and that you have both expressed love. However the lines 4 and 9/10 hint at something a little fresher and unexpressed.

"I will give you my heart..."
"Deep is the love I have for you""Baby just tell me if it's true"

The first implies that you haven't yet [given your heart to her] or that you haven't yet expressed it. While the second set shows again a devotion to her, but a questioning of reciprocal feelings on her part.

If neither of the two statements above are true, then I would consider revising them in the final draft.

Also, and again I'm not much for poetry, my girl at least, hates it when I call her baby. But that's between you and yours.

Good idea, a little rough around the edges from my perspective... but it is the thought that counts... at least 60% of it is the thought anyhow

ilkjester · Post by **ilkjester** » 21 Nov 2009, 20:39

I am not really sure why I even wrote it. It kinda just popped into my head so I decided I would write it down. They only reason I haven't changed anything is because it kind of just came from the heart. I didn't have to think of any words to say they kind of just formed themselves. I don't know much about poetry. I wasn't sure if I should change anything or not. I think I should now that I think of it she would be one to point out the same thing you did. I can see it now and it doesn't go over very well in my head. Thanks for the input.

Post by **lilrofl** » 21 Nov 2009, 20:50

You're welcome, I'm glad I could help in some capacity =)

Post by **lilrofl** » 21 Nov 2009, 21:00

p4inl0v3r wrote:Dude give her the poem girls like poems ...whatever they are !! and the fact that you wrote her somethings defines your love for her !!

I respectfully disagree p4in, it's often not enough to write, 'just something', you must strive to write something profound. Something tailored specificly for her. Anyone can come up with a roses are red variant, what women want is thought, expression, truth and insight.

Although again, I am not a subject matter expert.

Maybe a haiku... or a limerick, although an AB, AB, CC format where lines A and B and C rhyme with their respective partner.

Not that rhyming is necessary for poetry, but it is a good place to start as it is a widley used and accepted format

nightkid · Post by **nightkid** » 21 Nov 2009, 21:11

not bad but but you could brush up on the vocabulary to make sound deeper and more intimate and like the last part and i agree with lilrofl you should think more of present feelings instead of in the future that would be sweeter..
here's a couple of things i came up with from reading your poem for you to play off of..i used to write poetry alot in high school.

line 1-your touch makes me explode inside likea super nova
line2-your love pierces my heart
line3-i can't hide my feelings for you
line4- i live you my heart to rule with a gentle hand/kiss
line5-feeling of excitement and love and tenderness glow from me only you give me this feeling that has set me free.
line 6- dunno
line 7-the emotions that spin and dance in my heart for you erupt thru my body and spread you can see some small signs
line 8- unno
line 9 etertal embracment of our souls intertwined
and so on and so fourth =) hope this helps yew

Post by **lilrofl** » 21 Nov 2009, 22:49

p4inl0v3r wrote:then wont you like the idea that she loves you so much that she actually did something which she is not good at but you like

I, as a man would find it quite endearing, she as a woman most likely would not.

In my experience they tend to read into things a bit deeper then men, scrutinizing every detail, and making assumptions thereof.

But then again, maybe this has been programmed into me by a very detail oriented woman... who happens to be an English major, and bears little resemblance to the rest of female-kind... but I doubt it.

nightkid · Post by **nightkid** » 21 Nov 2009, 22:54

no it's not a bad poem at all. i was just giving him ideas to say the same thing but sweeter but like you said, a girl who receives a poem from a boyfriend will be sure to love it whether it's in shakespear slang or whatever, because yes it is the thought and from the heart that counts.

ilkjester, you can use ideas we've gave you if you feel it needs to be re-edited but the most important thing to a girl is what comes from the heart. if you feel it's in the final draft then it is.

Post by **lilrofl** » 21 Nov 2009, 23:05

It's like Schrödinger's Cat... let us know how it turns out

DrVirus · Post by **DrVirus** » 22 Nov 2009, 01:42

After all that I bet you people scared the guy off. Now he will never give her the poetry !!

ilkjester · Post by **ilkjester** » 22 Nov 2009, 22:10

DrVirus wrote:After all that I bet you people scared the guy off. Now he will never give her the poetry !!

Ha ha no I will still give her that poem. If anything after all that I think I might write more poetry. Not sure why because I hate writing. Anyways, I thank you all for the help.