The Official Joke Thread.

d10b · Post by **d10b** » 17 Aug 2006, 11:22

eggplan21 wrote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy comes home from school one day and says dad there were some kids today at school talking about a vagina...what is it and what does it look like? and the dad said before sex or after...the boy said before...the dad said it looks like a beautiful rose about to blossom then the boy asks what about after sex? and the dad said how you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll add more later

ROFL... hahahaha!

Post by **bad_brain** » 17 Aug 2006, 11:34

good one....

LaBlueGirl · Post by **LaBlueGirl** » 17 Aug 2006, 16:03

Yeup, already memorized it for the car ride:)

Post by **Gogeta70** » 19 Aug 2006, 01:49

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 3841183379 <-- lol

eggplan21 · Post by **eggplan21** » 19 Aug 2006, 16:14

A boy sneaks his girlfriend in through the window and they hang out for a while and talk but as you might expect things began to heat up so they moved into the bunk bed...however his little brother was already asleep on the bottom bunk. Knowing this the boy didn't want to get caught so he told the girl if you want me to slow down say lettuce and if you want a different position say tomato. And the girl agreed. So they began and she said lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce. Then she told her boyfriend TKE IT OUT I CAN"T GET PREGNANT. Then the little brother yelled HEY! STOP MAKING SANDWHICHES UP THERE YOUR GETTING MAYONAISE ALL OVER MY FACE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What kind of bees make milk
??
???
????
?????
????
???
??
BOOBEES!

Post by **Gogeta70** » 19 Aug 2006, 23:31

Code: Select all

    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was one thing bothering me…it was her beautiful younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally braless. She would regularly bend when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.

    One day her little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she wanted to make love just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    She said, “I am going to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them to me.

    I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline to my car. I opened the door and low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test… we could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

    Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!

sternbildchen · Post by **sternbildchen** » 20 Aug 2006, 03:47

gogeta70 wrote:

Code: Select all

    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was one thing bothering me…it was her beautiful younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally braless. She would regularly bend when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.

    One day her little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she wanted to make love just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    She said, “I am going to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them to me.

    I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline to my car. I opened the door and low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test… we could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

    Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!

Hahah !!! Best joke so far.

Post by **Necrix** » 20 Aug 2006, 11:11

Nerdz · Post by **Nerdz** » 20 Aug 2006, 21:07

Really GOOD ONE gogeta!

Post by **Gogeta70** » 20 Aug 2006, 22:59

Lol, thanks.

Post by **Stavros** » 21 Aug 2006, 11:19

Code: Select all

An amish boy and his father decide to go at the mall in the neighboor city since they had never gone to a mall before. So they set off on this journey and finally make it to the mall.

As they go in, everything in there amazes them. Fountains, lighting everywhere, music in stores and so many people! Both are stunned at the sight. So they are walking around the mall when they come accross the weirdest object they had yet to see in that place.

This object seemed protected by two metal doors that closed and opened every once in a while. It had numbers that would light up on top of those doors.

As the boy and the father are wondering what this object could possibly do, a poor old woman in a wheel chair goes by them and presses on a button to the right of the doors. They watch closely. A few seconds later, the metal doors open and the old lady ''wheels'' herself into the small room that is garded by the metal doors. The doors closed and the numbers start lighting up: ''1... 2... 3...'' and then the numbers start lighting in the opposite direction. ''3...2...1...''. As ''1'' lighted up, the metal doors opened and a georgous blonde, 6 foot tall, long hair and beautiful legs walks out of the room.

The father and the son are in shock. The boy asks his father: '' Father, did you see that? '' The father looks at him and says: ''Oh yeah I have my son... quick, run home and get your mother.''

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Code: Select all

Ok...There is a bear and a rabbit going through the woods. They come upon a lamp an both rub it at the same time. The genie comes out and says:

"Since you both touched the lamp, I will grant both of you three wishes."

"OK, for my first wish I want all of the bears in this forest to be female but me," the bear told the genie.

"Done," responds the genie wiht a click of his fingers.

"I want a motorcycle helmet," the rabbit told the genie who obliged.

The bear was confused by the rabbits request but went ahead with his next wish. "I wish all of the bears in every forest for 1000 miles to be female but me."

"No problem," the genie obliged.

"I want a Harley Davidson Motorcycle," the rabbit said.

"As you wish," the genie said as a motorcycle popped up and the rabbit got on.

"For my final wish," started the bear. "I want all of the female bears to be attracted to me."

"You will be done,' the genie said with a snap of his fingers. "And you rabbit?"

"I wish he was gay," he said as he motioned to the bear and drove off on the motorcycle.

-----------------------------

Code: Select all

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. It's Jesus' shot, and there is a water hazard between the ball and the hole.

"Watch this Moses," he says. "Straight over the water, onto the green, just like Tiger Woods."

Moses secretly thinks he'll never make it and, sure enough, the ball plops into the water.

"Moses," says Jesus. "You think you could go get that."

"Fine," replies Moses, sighing. He parts the water, and goes to fetch the ball, dropping it back in the spot Jesus had his shot.

"Right, just go round this time."

"Nope. Straight over the water, onto the green, just like Tiger Woods."

"You'll never make it."

Once again, the ball drops into the pond.

"Erm, Moses? Could you -"

"Alright, but this is the last time."

Again, Moses parts the water and fetches the ball, giving it back to Jesus.

"Okay, PLEASE just go round this time."

"No," says Jesus. "Straight over the water, onto the green, just like Tiger Woods."

For a third time, the ball goes straight into the water.

"Moses, could you -"

"No, I said it was the last time."

"Fine."

So Jesus steps out onto the water and begins to walk across to the spot where the ball landed.

By this point the next group of golfers has become impatient and wants to play the whole. One of them goes over to Moses, about to complain, and sees Jesus walking across the water hazard.

"Who does he think he is?" asks the golfer. "Jesus Christ?"

"No," replied Moses, bitterly. "He thinks he's Tiger f***ing Woods."

-----------------------------

Code: Select all

There was a man named Frank, he was a salesman. One day his boss says to him, "There is going to be a huge Salesman convention in Colorado, all expense-pays."
"All right," Frank said excited. "And if you do well," his boss added, "then you will get promoted."
And just as Frank was leaving to go home his boss added, "But just remember, don't stay in the 'L' shaped hotel!" "Yeah, ok, got it." Frank said.
So Frank goes home to his wife and two girls. He tells his wife the good news and she replies, "Oh honey this is fantastic. But just remember don't stay in the 'L' shaped hotel."
"Yeah," Frank said, "my boss said the same thing and I was wondering, what is wrong with the 'L' shaped hotel?"
His wife doesn't answer him.
Later that night when he's talking his girls into bed he tells them the great news and they say, "Daddy, don't stay in the 'L' shaped hotel."
"Ok, I won't." Frank said to his girls.
The next day he gets into Colorado and uses a taxi. He tries every hotel (except the 'L' shaped one) and they're all booked. So the he gets an idea.
"Hey taxi driver," Frank said. "Can you take me to the 'L' shaped hotel?"
And the taxi driver, furious, takes Frank, throws him out of the taxi, takes his luggage and throws it out too. Then he drives off without taking any money.
Frank starts walking until he sees a map of the country that he's in, then he finds where he is and where the 'L' shaped hotel is. "Oh great." Frank says happily.
So Frank walks to the 'L' shaped hotel and asks if there's any room available.
"We're completely booked except for one room." The front desk clerk said. "Great, I'll take it." Frank said.
The next day he goes to the salesman convention and does very well. Then he returns to his homeland.
He goes into his boss office and says, "Hey I did really well at the salesman convention." "Wonderful, consider yourself promoted." Frank's boss said. "Alright." Frank said very happily. Then just before he left he turned around and said to his boss, "Oh yeah, I stayed at the 'L' shaped hotel and I don't know what you were talking about nothing bad happened." "What?" His boss boomed with rage. "You disobeyed orders. YOU'RE FIRED!!"
Frank went home upset, and told his wife that he got fired. His wife said, "Awe, honey, why'd you get fired?" "Because I stayed at the 'L' shaped hotel. And I gotta tell yea, nothing bad happened to me." His wife furious throws Frank out and divorces him.
Later that night Frank is at a bar muttering, "What is wrong with the 'L' shaped hotel?"
A person hears him and says, "So, you want to know what is wrong with the 'L' shaped hotel?" "Yes, please!" Frank replied desperately. "There is only one man that can tell you what is wrong with the 'L' shaped hotel. But he lives on an island. Before you leave you should see a canoe all ready to go."
So the next day Frank sets out to see the man on the island. He finds the canoe and heads out.
About halfway there he mutters to himself, "What is wrong with the 'L' shaped hotel?" He hears a voice muttering but can't understand what the person is saying. So he repeats the question a bit louder. Hears the muttering again but can't understand it. So he repeats the question again even louder. The same thing happens. Now he stands up in the canoe and screams at the top of his lungs, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE 'L' SHAPED HOTEL?" Then he falls out of the canoe hits his head and drowns.

Moral of the story: Don't stand up in canoes.

-All jokes found at www.cad-forums.com[/code]

Psychopathic-Midget · Post by **Psychopathic-Midget** » 21 Aug 2006, 17:01

I got this one out of a magazine. I belive it wa Playboy. Bleh.

A school dean gathers all his students in the school theatre. He's laying down the rules about students of the opposite sex sneaking in to one anothers dorms. "The first offence will charge you $50. The second will be $100. The third will be $200.". One male student raises his hand and says "How much for a season pass?".

Post by **Gogeta70** » 21 Aug 2006, 18:03

Lol, i'd do the same thing...

Psychopathic-Midget · Post by **Psychopathic-Midget** » 21 Aug 2006, 18:07

That's like saying you'd lke to give Jessica Simpson a test drive, every man would.

Post by **Necrix** » 21 Aug 2006, 18:31

Psychopathic-Midget wrote:That's like saying you'd lke to give Jessica Simpson a test drive, every man would.

Not if every man before me already has