The Official Joke Thread.

...let us know what you think, free speech!
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Stavros
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The Official Joke Thread.

Post by Stavros »

I am taking it upon myself to create The Official Joke Thread. This thread (to all of little common sense :P) is devoted to jokes!

Post your joke. If you happened to find your joke on another site, just post the url (www. web-site name>.com/org/net).

I'll go first:

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"
-www.ebaumsworld.com
Last edited by Stavros on 06 Aug 2006, 00:37, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by Ameradi »

That would be nice !

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Gogeta70
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Post by Gogeta70 »

Well, a while ago there was a site called 'command.com' although it has changed now, it used to be this

Btw, stavros, i'm not sure if there's an 'ebausms world' :roll: :lol:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It works on my machine...

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Post by Stavros »

Hahaha. I can't believe I didn't catch that...well, actually that's a lie. :P Thanks, Gogeta.

Please post more jokes!

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DNR
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funny stories

Post by DNR »

Well reality can sometimes be funnier than a joke.

I might as well use some fun I had while growing up.

I was working lost prevention for Best Buy, it was nighttime and a weekend. I had just caught a guy on video for shoplifting two video tapes.
My supervisor and I lead the guy into the security office as he passed the cash register. I tell the guy "Ok, look we know you have some merchandise on you, you have to pay for it or leave it here." The guy thinks a minute, and pulls out the video tapes from the front of his pants.
He then ask me "Ok, can I leave now?" I ask, do you have any ID? He says no, so the supervisor leaves the room to call the police. I say "Well, I have to fill out some paperwork for this." He looks around the room nervously, so I start filling out the paperwork, acting bored, I ask him questions. "How old are you?" He says something like 20. I ask him for an address, and it was obvious it was fake, it took too long for him to answer. The address was descriptive, rather than a street number. I then ask "What is your birthdate?" Since I knew he was lying already, I kept on talking to him "Come on, don't you know your own birthday?" I did this to keep him from doing the math with the bogus age he gave me. This goes on for 2 minutes. He comes up with a date that I calculate to be wrong. But I act bored. He then asked me, "When you are done with the paperwork can I go?" I thought for a minute, and said "Sure, when I am done with this paperwork, you can go."
We sit in the office as I write out my arrest report for about 20 minutes. The police open the office door and walk in. The bad guy looks at me and says "HEY! I thought you said I could go when you were done?!"

I smiled, and said "Yea, I did. I am done, and you are going! With Them <points at police>"

more later.

DNR
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LaBlueGirl
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Jokeyjoke

Post by LaBlueGirl »

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Post by Gogeta70 »

LOL... i haven't heard that one for a loong time, i had completely forgotten about it... Nice....
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It works on my machine...

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Post by LaBlueGirl »

Image
"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Post by bad_brain »

:lol:

just a clip from a Family Guy episode, but I can watch it over and over again, it's really hilarious:
get it here
Image

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Post by Nerdz »

Nice one LBG :lol:
Give a man a fish, you feed him for one day.
Learn a man to fish, you feed him for life.

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Post by LaBlueGirl »

bad_brain wrote::lol:

just a clip from a Family Guy episode, but I can watch it over and over again, it's really hilarious:
get it here
Can't :(
Don't have the right plugin, and I am not searching for some obscure shite at the moment.

I used to watch it on [adult swim].


If you can find them online, I recommend MST3K, The Daily Show, Futurama and the Kids In the Hall..
"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Post by LaBlueGirl »

nerdzoncrack wrote:Nice one LBG :lol:
Thanks:)

I am subjected to countless Fwd: 's daily:)
"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Run this

Post by LaBlueGirl »

"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Comp Haiku

Post by LaBlueGirl »

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?



Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.


Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.


Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

From:
http://ifaq.wap.org/haiku.html
"Hey, Crash!
Ever tried walking with no legs?

It's real slow!"
~Crunch, Crash Bandicoot TTR

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Post by eggplan21 »

Hahaha you guys have some funny jokes...ok heres a couple.

3 women are taking a survey and the question is if you could compare your husband to one soda what would it be?

The first lady said pepsi because her husband is dark and refreshing

The seconed lady said vernors(ginger ale) because he wore so much cologne it made her sneeze and cough

The Third lady said Jack Daniels and then she said oh wait no thats a hard liquor and then she seconed though and said wait... yea... thats my Harry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A grade A goody two shoes student went in to highschool and completely changed...her greades dropped and she became rather provacotive with her clothing style so her parents took her to a counceler after one visit he knew her problem was from recessed sexual desires so on the seconed visit the girl was dressed so provocative the doctor could barely hide the lust in his voice and told the girl. Lay down on the chair spread your legs and spell bedroom...so she laid down spread her legs and began to spell
b-e-d-r-O!-O!-MMMMM! and she was healed on the spot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl goes to the doctor and says DOCTOR DOCTOR I have a problem and the doctor says well whats the problem and the girl says one of my boobs is biiger than the other. The Doctor says oh..I see well i know how to fix this and the girl says oh great! how are you going to fix them? and the doctor says oh well first we have to numb them...then the girl said well how do you do that...so the doctor said like this NUMIE NUMIE NUMIE NUMIE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy comes home from school one day and says dad there were some kids today at school talking about a vagina...what is it and what does it look like? and the dad said before sex or after...the boy said before...the dad said it looks like a beautiful rose about to blossom then the boy asks what about after sex? and the dad said how you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll add more later

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